Fear & Vulnerability

I spent so much time thinking about this blog, dreaming about the space, and then… I froze. 

The week I launched this little blog home, I also shared my full cancer story with colleagues old and new. I connected with others just like me or who have faced similar challenges, which left me feeling incredible and on top of the world. 

Rudely, anxiety and imposter syndrome kicked in right after I had the best week of my life. These fucked up things sounded like:  

“Why do you think people care about your story?” 

“Plenty of people experience things like you have, and some a lot worse. You aren’t special.” 

“Why would you put such negative things on the internet?”

“You’re basically fine now, you’re just digging up old things for no reason.” 

“Ok you had your moment. Back to real life.” 

“What will people think about you putting these thoughts and feelings out into the world?”

The point of writing for me is to provide catharsis and connection, but I let my anxiety get in the way. I worry so much about what other people- including the ones I live with- think about me and how I articulate my experiences. I even worry about expressing how the connections I felt from sharing my story left me feeling more human than I have ever quite possibly felt in my whole life. 

I was so desperate to hold onto that feeling of connection that I froze. Almost as if I didn’t take any steps, nothing bad could happen. By staying still, I subconsciously thought I could force things not to change and offset the mean things running through my brain. 

In the past month alone:

• They did a big round of layoffs at work that shifted me into a new role and fully upset the apple cart of my work life. Not to mention the anxiety and stress that lingers in the air from all of the changes. 
• Enzo turned three and started at a new school that’s closer to home, but broke all of our routines- but especially his. 
• I did a quick 5 rounds of radiation treatment for some residual bone pain that really triggered a lot of anger and frustration about my cancer journey. Between feeling bad/exhausted from the treatment and pissed off that it’s even something I needed to do, I fell into a depressive hole that I’m working to climb out of. 
• FUCKING DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME. I have no idea why this feels so life ruining, but my seasonal depression is coming in hot this year. It getting dark and cold at 4:30 makes the days feel both impossibly short and long at the same time. 

All of these things are very real for a lot of people, but I fell into a funk instead of staying open and vulnerable about them. The physical and emotional fatigue, the thoughts that I should be better than or unaffected by the challenges, and the avoidance of feeling myself starting to slip a little bit into the darkness again, all kept me from showing up.   

Fear and vulnerability are such hard things for me to allow to coexist. For the last twelve years or so, I’ve let fear and anxiety win far too often, even though being vulnerable and authentically me is truly when I feel alive. And isn’t that what this is supposed to be about?! 

Since I have this platform, I may as well lay it all out there. I figure, if it helps me make sense of some things that have been holding me back, it’s worth it. And at a minimum I’m sure some of my friends will read it if I ask nicely.