I spent so much time thinking about this blog, dreaming about the space, and then… I froze.
The week I launched this little blog home, I also shared my full cancer story with colleagues old and new. I connected with others just like me or who have faced similar challenges, which left me feeling incredible and on top of the world.
Rudely, anxiety and imposter syndrome kicked in right after I had the best week of my life. These fucked up things sounded like:
“Why do you think people care about your story?”
“Plenty of people experience things like you have, and some a lot worse. You aren’t special.”
“Why would you put such negative things on the internet?”
“You’re basically fine now, you’re just digging up old things for no reason.”
“Ok you had your moment. Back to real life.”
“What will people think about you putting these thoughts and feelings out into the world?”
The point of writing for me is to provide catharsis and connection, but I let my anxiety get in the way. I worry so much about what other people- including the ones I live with- think about me and how I articulate my experiences. I even worry about expressing how the connections I felt from sharing my story left me feeling more human than I have ever quite possibly felt in my whole life.
I was so desperate to hold onto that feeling of connection that I froze. Almost as if I didn’t take any steps, nothing bad could happen. By staying still, I subconsciously thought I could force things not to change and offset the mean things running through my brain.
In the past month alone:
All of these things are very real for a lot of people, but I fell into a funk instead of staying open and vulnerable about them. The physical and emotional fatigue, the thoughts that I should be better than or unaffected by the challenges, and the avoidance of feeling myself starting to slip a little bit into the darkness again, all kept me from showing up.
Fear and vulnerability are such hard things for me to allow to coexist. For the last twelve years or so, I’ve let fear and anxiety win far too often, even though being vulnerable and authentically me is truly when I feel alive. And isn’t that what this is supposed to be about?!
Since I have this platform, I may as well lay it all out there. I figure, if it helps me make sense of some things that have been holding me back, it’s worth it. And at a minimum I’m sure some of my friends will read it if I ask nicely.
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Thank you for sharing each segment of your story. How you have survived ALL that is going on in your life, your body, mind, household and fear of the unknown…it’s really proof of your will to live, despite the times where it would be easier to drop to the floor and have a good old fashioned 3 year old tantrum! And who would blame you? I know you are in the midst of major surgery recovery right now, and you have been in my thoughts and prayers daily. I’m certain, had your mom recovered from her battle, that she would be right there to help and comfort you. I’m glad Duana is heading there in a couple days. Sending hugs to you Savanah! Candace