Six Years Later

Of all the hard things, the most challenging part of my mom being gone is that I can’t make any new memories with her. Today (August 7) marks the day she left the physical world (as my healers like to frame it) six years ago.  

I imagine anyone’s life would change significantly in this amount of time, but I often think about how my life looks completely different from how it did when she died. 

Since then, we’ve bought and sold two houses, had two babies, gotten “officially” married, added Max (ugh, she would have loved Max- but not as much as the babies.), I had three surgeries, went through cancer treatment, moved to Chicago, and pretty much changed everything about my perspective on life in the same time frame that manages to feel like no time at all and forever-  all at once. 

I wonder about certain things all the time:

Would she recognize me? 

Would she approve of how I parent? 

How Nic and I parent together? 

Exactly how mad would she be about all of my tattoos? 

How often would she be in Chicago? 

What would she think of my sons? 

Does she know about them? 

Do I need to tell her about them? 

How much shit would we talk about cancer treatment? 

Would she have been there to take care of me when I felt the worst? 

  What advice would she give me for this chapter of my life?

Is she proud of me? 

I started seeing a medium right after I had Luca. Over the last five years, she’s become a critical person in my life. I was so lost after my mom died, then I went straight into being a new mom and never had time to take a breath, much less heal. I tried therapy to deal with my confusion and sadness, but I didn’t feel like I had a suitable space to work through any complicated emotions. 

It was challenging because once someone dies, they seem…sanctified. I loved my mom more than anyone else, but that didn’t mean there wasn’t conflict or challenges. She did not love everything I did, and I kept pushing for more space to grow and learn independently, which was hard for her. The second therapist I saw immediately flagged our relationship as co-dependent, but how are you supposed to resolve that from one side? I tried to understand and process these learnings, but my grief was still too big, and I felt that by being honest, I was disrespecting her and her memory.

I’ve always been interested in alternative healing therapies. I’ve tried acupuncture, yoga, meditation, bodywork, nutrition, crystals- and I love it all. A friend of mine went to a psychic medium with her sister and had a life-changing experience. Based on her recap, it felt like something I also needed to try. Postpartum depression and the grief I felt from becoming a mom without my mom finally became more than I could bear, and I was willing to try just about anything.

I had no idea what to expect at my first session with Danielle and felt a little standoffish. I wasn’t sure how much you’re supposed to tell a psychic. Aren’t psychics and mediums just supposed to know? How do they know? Was I getting scammed? 

It took a minute to settle in, but I am happy I did. The first session was surreal. So many things came up that could only apply to my relationship with my mom.  Not only were the things she said in my session spot on, but I could also feel my mom’s presence and energy for the first time in a long time. My depression was bad at this point, and the energy I needed to connect with her just was not accessible to me on my own at that time. 

I’ve continued seeing Danielle semi-regularly since that day. She has helped me navigate work challenges, pregnancies, the pandemic, and cancer without judgment and with wholehearted support. As I have continued to evolve and learn about myself, she has taught me ways to reprogram neural pathways, things to look for, and what she senses from my spirit guides that I need to focus on. 

My mom doesn’t always come up in sessions, and I’m finally in a place where I don’t require a third party to feel and hear her. It’s still lovely when someone else can channel her, and I enjoy the validation I get when I’ve felt something, and it comes through in a session, unprompted but with context.   

A lot of my friends and family think that these sessions are “hocus pocus” or just insane. My love for energy readings, tarot cards, crystals, and sage makes my Mother in Law very concerned about where I will land in the afterlife. I continue on because I know this is what works for me to continue on my path of healing. 

I was stuck until I found Danielle and added her intuitive sessions. Now, they support my therapy practice, open my mind to new things, and help me see that my guides and angels (hi, Mom) are there to support me. I have moments where I wonder if I am crazy, but then I think about how supportive and beneficial these learnings have been and I lose any fucks I had to give. 

I’m grateful for the opportunities to feel connected to my mom and experience a new relationship with her. I’m learning how to tune into her and what signs I see from her. Her favorite color was red, and cardinals are one of the signs of people who have passed on. I will see live cardinals in the most random places where they have no business being. I see drawings of them in the same way. One connection I try to force more often than I should is hearing songs as messages from her. Sometimes I’ll miss her and cycle the radio or Spotify praying that I’ll hear something that helps me know she’s there. Usually, when I try to force it, I come up empty-handed. 

Today was one of those days. I was desperate to connect with my mom. I miss her more than usual because of various things, and it’s the anniversary of her death. This day affects me a lot, as do big moments with my kids (like birthdays or significant milestones), my birthday, and her birthday. No songs came through on my way to work, and no cardinals appeared. I thought maybe this was one that I was on my own for, and while I was disappointed, I resolved to see what I could learn from these feelings. 

While looking for the lesson, I also made an appointment with my medium to see if I could help force the situation. I felt sad and thought maybe I didn’t see the signs in the right place so that I could use guidance from an expert. 

Right after I made the appointment, I got a text from my best friend that I had meant to message. I had no idea, but she was in Kauai, my mom’s favorite place. One of the photos was of a green church that my mom adored. I was in shock and immediately teared up. My mom found me. 

My friend had no idea what the day was, and she planned a boat tour in Hanalei that afternoon. Hanalei is where my mom asked me to spread her ashes because it’s where she was the happiest. 

The juxtaposition of days like this can feel so bizarre. The emotions feel like a fucking rollercoaster. I felt sad for myself, happy for memories, love for my babies, love for my mom, sad I feel disconnected from her, then elated when something so obvious comes out of nowhere. Add in the stress of work and answering ten million questions from a five-year-old about the Titanic, and it’s too much for one day.

I try to sit with the sad things, feel the stress, and remember the happy things, but some days it’s too fucking hard. My only learning for when it’s this hard is that my best is going to be good enough, and as my mom always loved to say, 

“Tomorrow is another day (Scarlett).”